2014 in a Single Post #TimeToGetPersonal

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HELLO, GUYS!

I am wishing you guys a very Merry Christmas for those of you celebrating, and happy holidays for the rest of you, also HAPPY NEW YEAR!! May the warmth of the season stays on you and your family for the whole year of blessings.

Word of caution, this is not a beauty-related post that I usually wrote, so if you think you're going to have problems with that, please feel free to read other blog posts that I've made. 

First of all, FINAL EXAM WEEKS ARE FINALLY OVER!! I have to say, this might be the hardest final exam weeks I've ever encountered, but thank God I can get through it with my brain still intact. No psychological scarring whatsoever, so that's a plus. One thing that I can say I've learnt during this final exam weeks is that I CAN PERFORM DAMN WELL UNDER PRESSURE. 

I may not the best multi-tasker around, but when I got on "my zone", the rest of the world shuts down and damn baby, I give results!! I am proud of myself for being able to juggle a lot of subjects in one semester despite the heavy-loaded assignments each and every subject has.

Secondly, it is finally holiday, and let me tell you something about the holiday this year; it is not the same as the other holidays I've had before. Perhaps it's the proximity between those final exam weeks and the holiday weeks, perhaps it's the business of everyone on my family, perhaps it's the fact that I just went through a terrible breakup, or perhaps it's every little bit of details from problems mentioned above, still clinging into me like a stubborn stain on a white shirt.

Now that we're approaching the end of this year, I want to take a little bit of my time to write how I've seen 2014. 

2014 has been.. bittersweet. It's funny how life gives you lessons in ways you can't really comprehend, until you do and everything makes a perfect sense. I have been in an emotional roller-coaster this year, tears and laughs, every kind of emotional response in between, I've had it. I am not the type of person that shared every single thing she's been through to everyone she met, I tend to keep everything myself. Although I am very spoken out, I kept the biggest problems to myself, and that is hard. It's like this mask, a facade, if you may, that I put on every time I went out of my room. The ever so cheerful and bubbly Beatrix, who seems to shake off every problem she had effortlessly, although every once in a while I've had my emotional meltdown when I just can't hold it in any longer.

That seems kinda sad, and depressing. Because it is. Never had I realized that despite this happy surface, I was sad deep inside. That's probably why every time I was alone in my room (this explains why I don't do shared bedrooms with anyone) I became a whole different person. Sad, cynical, bitter, sarcastic, in lack for better words, unhappy. Not just for myself, but for other people's happiness as well. I hate seeing someone gets hyped about something, and it pisses me off to no end to see someone's success. And once I am happy, it felt like I don't deserve the happiness. I went on a great length to find happiness, but once it finds me, I retreat. 

Until one day, I realized that this endless sadness that I have deep inside is eating me up. I looked and felt horrible, and everything just seems to be unsatisfactory. Just when I thought I have had enough problems already, I faced what probably seemed as the most non-problematic breakup ever, but turns out to be very self-destructing for me. I have been in this relationship for 8 years, and this type of relationship is actually all that I really know. The constant compromises, the muffled annoyance, the silent treatments and unfinished problems, the ever-so-demanding expectations and suffocating promises that I have to live up to. It's nothing intentional, mind you. He is a nice human being, but paired together, we (again, unintentionally) limits one another from what we could've been, and this brought me to this conclusion; it has to stop now.

Breaking up from a relationship is hard. I know everyone who's been through it can vouch for that. So when I thought about breaking up from this 8 year relationship that I had, I imagined this would be devastating, if not worse (I was not wrong). For 8 years, I have been dating the same guy, and I grow accustomed to every little things we do. This relationship has been my comfort zone (oh, the irony!), and deviating out of it, even an inch out of line seems like a huge leap of faith, let alone getting totally out of it.

And then it hit me, 8 years are just a number. Time is a concept that human made. Your relationship satisfaction shouldn't be determined just by how long you've been in it. So I decided to break it off. It was not easy. There were a lot of tears and pain, multiple episodes of binge-watching Game of Thrones seasons back to back (oh, who am I kidding, I'd do that regardless of the breakup), a little amount of weight loss (nothing significant *sigh*), resulting in a countless amount of people asking me "Bek, are you alright?". As it turns out, I was not. I have to do a few psychological consultation to, if you may, repair and heal myself. That's how hard it hits me, and it went on for a few months. Very few people knew about this, just some really close friends.

But then, fate takes over. I met S. I'm going to save the details of how we met because that's too personal, and I don't think that's up to public consumption, but one thing for sure is that we met in such an unconventional way, a way which some people may cringe upon hearing the story, but I honestly don't really care. He appreciates me. More than hearing my story, he actually listens. He cares for my well-being and willing to help me despite my own lack of self-esteem. He looked at me with such fascination as if I'm something precious. In short, he makes me happy, and that is all I need to be thankful.

All I want to say is, 2014 has taught me a lot of things in life, here are a few of them that I want to share with you; do not worry. Life has its ups and downs, so when you're on the downside of the road please remember it's all going to be alright. Everything has its own perfect timing, regardless whether you believe in the power and existence of a higher power such as God.

Be happy. If something doesn't feel right, change it. Do not fixate yourself on something that clings on you like a dead weight, because believe me, you will drown. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but you will eventually. Human beings can endure just as long, but there'll come a time when you're at your breaking point and realized you can't hold on much longer.

Expect nothing. As I've said before, life works in an incomprehensive and obsolete way, do not bother yourself trying to play guess with it, and be thankful for whatever happened. People tend to do calculations and arrogantly trying to makes sense out of life, that they forget to really living the moment they're having. They're too busy analyzing the past, and predicting the future that time slowly but surely drips off their fingertips and it's not coming back. Please, savor the moment of your life as bittersweet as it is, and always be thankful.

And lastly, love fully. I've seen a quote somewhere that says "Life is too short for mediocre love." It is a rare occasion that you can find someone to love (even rare to find someone who loves you back just as much), so when you do, do it passionately and wholeheartedly. You may or may not get hurt along the way, but it will all be worth it in the end. I believe in the laws of reciprocity when it comes to love, that the amount of love you've given outside of yourself will always come back to you with the same amount, nothing less, nothing more.

I am grateful for my family and friends that has been my rock bottom for 2014, for every love and care given, for every shared laughs, tears, joy, sorrow, and for every moments that I cherished. I am thankful for every lessons learned, in any way possible. I am hoping for more to come, health, wisdom, a shower of blessings for everyone, and the utmost of all; happiness (starting to sound hedonistic).

Do I have regrets looking back to 2014? Yes, but as cheesy as it may sounds, I believe it was all for the best because those mistakes have shaped me. 2014 has taught me to love my mistakes, my decisions, and yes, I learn to love myself though it.

I hope you're having a good time reflecting on your own 2014, also planning on your resolution for 2015, and wishing you a happy and safe New Year celebration wherever you are. This turned out to be such a long and wordy post, so I am going to end it right here.

P.S. Expect a lot of changes on this blog for 2015!! #excited
xoxo
Beatrix


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